Ah yes, yet again it’s that time when observant/going-through-the-motions Jews banish all grains from their lives for the
terrible, gluten-free celebratory 8 days of Passover. For how else would one commemorate freedom from repression than by adhering to even-more-onerous dietary laws than the other 357 days of the year?
But wait: that means that the only Kosher dranks approved for this holiday are potato vodka (hard to find), tequila (let’s get ripped during the Seder), hard apple cider (you’re either from Brittany or a hipster), and a handful of wines. Well what are we supposed to do, subsist on water while eating our tasteless matzo crackers?
Don’t start shvitzing because Manishewitz, the foodstuffs manufacturer that’s essentially the Tribe’s version of ACME Co., is here to save the day with their Cream White Concord, which ought to be pleasing to those tired of their ubiquitous, syrupy red on Pesach tables nationwide.
I have to say that this Manishewitz is extremely portable. One doesn’t even need a corkscrew as the bottle has a convenient plastic screw top; because they scrimped on the cap that means they invested their savings into the wine, right? On first pour it appears that the glass has been filled with stale pee; but once you take a sip you realize it can’t possibly be urine, as anyone whose piss was this sugary would have been dead of type-II diabetes years ago. If you thought to yourself ‘well cream sounds like a disgusting way to describe a wine’, congratulations – you’re horribly right. Half a glass in requires a trip to the medicine cabinet for Aleve and this wine raises the question ‘is it possible to get a buzz off this before I vomit’? No. The answer is no.
Cream White Concord