Crestfallen Starbucks CEO, Having Failed to Bring About End of Days, Calls Cup Design Team to Office

SEATTLE, Wash. – Starbucks Chairman and CEO Howard Schutlz, kneading dark circles under his eyes and fingering a worn pentagram necklace, brought together his corporate design team this Tuesday in response to public outcry against his company’s holiday cup design. “We’re actually getting pretty good feedback on the new minimalist look,” said graphic artist Kathy Vorino, referencing the cup’s monochrome red appearance, itself a symbol of the rivers of innocents’ blood that shall flow upon the breaking of the Seventh Seal and the appearance of the ten-horned, seven-headed Leviathan rising from the pitch-black sea.

“That’s great news, Kathy,” sighed Schultz as he looked out the windows of his penthouse office in the Starbucks Center and failed to spot the Whore of Babylon unleashing hellfire and pestilence upon the city from her grotesque multitude of swollen breasts. “Look guys, you’ve worked this one hard. Take an early day,” said the Starbucks head while despondently staring at his Altar of Ba’al for a sign from the Lord of Lies.

Sources report that later that afternoon the Starbucks CEO temporarily perked up at an email headlined “The Beast Is Here!”, then crumpled back into his chair upon seeing it was a message from Senior V.P. of Marketing Mark Blodger reporting the positive reception males 18-35 had to the Starbucks-Marshawn Lynch ‘Beast Mode Frappucino’ rather than a message from the Antichrist, born of a She-Goat in the flaming Bowels of the Earth, calling upon His followers to enslave the world of men under a thousand-year Reign of Darkness.

Nov 10, 2015 | Posted by in Satire | Comments Off on Crestfallen Starbucks CEO, Having Failed to Bring About End of Days, Calls Cup Design Team to Office
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